#4 Autumn ~ First Fires & Unexpected Change
Port Noarlunga, South Australia
Hey beautiful Souls! Greetings from a very fresh Autumn day in South Australia.
Today I’m sharing with you from the safe and cosy comfort of my ‘bed-office/art studio’ in the city.
It seems a fitting place to ‘re-start’ or resume my journey of sharing with you - a journey that has literally only just started, but a LOT has happened since I set out to transform my little world (indeed my life), several months ago, and to be honest, I’m still processing so much as I try and find my feet.
It feels incredibly awkward sharing the not-so-happy aspects of life with people I’ve never met, but my decision to open this portal was always done knowing I wanted to share this intimate journey in all it’s fullness. It is a journey of truth and transparency.
So, I here I go…as I try to put my recent experience to words.
Like so many, I hoped, believed and trusted that my relationship (my marriage) was for life - I thought our union was safe and happy, full of love….stable, fulfilling.
Until it wasn’t.
In a single moment, a metaphorical axe fell and everything I ever believed in and trusted in was destroyed in an instant. The stoically spoken words “We’re done”, cut my heart in two and I truly felt like I was bleeding out…dying some agonizing, disbelieving death.
I have never felt so lost and heartbroken as I did in that moment.
Flooded with utter distress, confusion, betrayal, loss and nausea, I felt like I floated (and not the good kind of happy floating), my toes leaving the ground, as I was consumed by raw, savage grief.
Begging the Universe I cried silent grief-stricken words, ‘Can this even be happening…I mean is this reeeeally happening?', before breaking down into cycles of uncontrollable sobbing and absolute despair.
This all occurred in those first hours and days…of becoming an ‘abandoned wife’.
Today (several weeks later), I sit in the stillness alone, still confused, heart broken and grieving, I remind myself to breathe, deep, healing breaths of Universal love and peace.
I pass the moments processing the overwhelming grief in a curious and magical way - all the while knowing and understanding, that each new day is filled with new light, new opportunities and new hope, and that everthing is ok, I WILL be ok - I AM ok.
There is NO blame, there is no anger, hatred or bitterness in my heart, just shock, disappointment and disbelief (possibly quite a few questions).
Our marriage wasn’t filled with anger, arguements, struggles, financial issues, cheating and unfaithfulness etc. The words “We’re done.” literally came out of the blue and literally took my breath away, as my brain attempted to process them.
As shocking and heartbreaking as this experience is for me in this moment, I also realise it’s not the end of the world. The grief will pass and I WILL find my way.
In truth I foresaw the shadowing of the potential for this in February/March 2023 - a niggling anxiety, a sense of fearfulness, restlessness and nagging concerns of ‘contentment’ began to claw at my heart and mind, as the Universe tried to awaken me to realising things needed to change in my life .. or were about to change ..
Those subtle (and not so subtle) messages whispered from the Universe indicating a catalyst was needed or on its way - an event to bring experiences and change. I knew this change was needed in order to bring my life more into alignment with my core beliefs and truths - the direction I wanted and needed…my life to flow.
Despite ALL of this ‘knowing’, nothing prepared me for the actual shock and heartbreak of the words “We’re done”.
It is interesting to recall the thoughts, feelings and insights, those moments afforded me.
I never expected or wanted to make this life-journey alone. I still don’t. I signed up for the duration, the complete package. I believed my unconditional love and devotion would be reflected, if I loved hard and strong enough.
I’m not sure “We’re done” means ‘We’re done for good’ .. or it’s something we can both work through in time - after all, he is still my husband and do still love and adore him beyond reason, but for now, what I DO know, is that this is an experience, which quite simply … must be processed…I must process.
I know there are so many of you who have a similar experience or story to tell - a heartache, tragedy or unique journey. You/I are not alone. It is not the end of the world for us … even though it feels like it.
Our lives are being transformed to make way for greater things.
So, as I transcend this experience with absolute love, unconditional love .. and grace. I will ‘trust the process’ and Divine guidance I’m afforded. I’ll accept those hugs from the Universe, which I so dearly need and I’ll face each new day with dignity, grace and courage.
If you’ve even made it this far reading my ‘mini novel’, I am so so thankful you were kind enough to bear with me. Your love and positive energy is truly appreciated.
I will heal in the coming months and do an incredible amount of long over-due introspective ‘shadow work’ etc. I will continue to expand on my love, kindness and compasion and I will continue to create art, share here with you and restore my little cottage .
When The Cottage is a little more user-friendly, livable and dust free to work in (which might take some time - as progress is slower for me - a one woman show now), I’ll share more from on location there too.
Until next time my lovelies, (which is hopefully in 30-ish days from now), stay safe and blessed as I look forward to sharing some new art and a new story.
gentle hugs & Love - Hakora
The Cottage - Yongala, South Australia - Australia
